Starting Over

It’s been a minute… but I’m here now. Starting over.

I read over my previous posts and realised I had leant too heavily on AI to structure them. They didn’t feel authentic. I was trying to do too many things. Trying to find purpose in too many places. It became noise. It took away from me and from the reason I started this in the first place.

So I deleted them. Clean slate.

Let me explain what this is really about.

Dark Trails was born out of darkness. A time in my life when I couldn’t see the light anymore. I was on a self-destructive path that, day by day, stripped pieces of me away. It reshaped me into someone I didn’t recognise.

I was a willing captive to my own mind. I would sit back and watch it all unfold. The drinking. The sleepless nights. The endless rage that swung violently into the deepest depression.

The cycle went on. And on. And on.

It started eight years ago, in 2017, and lasted until 2021. I searched for a way out for so long that the only option I could see was… well, you know where that road leads. The darkness consumed me for almost four years. And I’d had enough.

I once heard a quote often attributed to Churchill: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

It lit a match. Just enough light to see the ground at my feet.

So I started moving.

Inch by inch. With no idea where the path would lead.

That metaphorical path became a real one.

I started running.

There was something about running before the sun had risen. The world was quiet. My mind was clear. Not peaceful, but honest. In the dark there was nowhere to hide. Not from my thoughts. Not from myself.

It hurt.

But it felt real.

Still, something was missing. I wasn’t looking for exercise. I was looking for direction.

Then I discovered ultramarathons.

The idea that you could choose suffering. That you could run so far your body would beg you to stop and you would keep going anyway.

For the first time in years, I had direction. A small distant light guiding me forward.

That direction led me to Kowen Forest.

And in those dark trails, I didn’t just find a happy place.

I found myself.

To date, I’ve run 9,170 kilometres across 852 runs. I’ve come a long way, but I wouldn’t say I’m completely out of the darkness. I’m not sure anyone ever truly is.

What’s changed is this.

I choose to step into it now.

Dark Trails isn’t about running.

It’s about finding purpose not in random suffering, but in the suffering you choose.

If you’re going through your own hell, keep going. Walk the dark trails long enough, and the light will find you.